Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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