All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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