The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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