dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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