Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize