this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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