I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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