I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
