The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
