I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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