Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
