why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
