Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
