You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
