He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
