dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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