my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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