I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
