you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize