I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
