If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
