I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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