now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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