i just had sex bonerless
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
