if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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