Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize