16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We have started to decorate penises.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
