I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
