My pussy is not your playground.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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