Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
