if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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