Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
