i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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