Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
