Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
