New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
