DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
