Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
