You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
