May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
