I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
