There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
