i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
