I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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