My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
