I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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