My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
