I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
