I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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