Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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