good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
