Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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