I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
