She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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