you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize