swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
