feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
