I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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