someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
