I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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