my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
