i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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